Playing the Game: The Benefits of Gaming for Kids

With the recent success of video game movies such as the Sonic the Hedgehog and Super Mario Bros. movies, the discussion on the impact gaming has on kids seems to be making its rounds in some circles, so I decided to throw out my two cents on the subject. Video games have been a controversial topic when it comes to their effect on children’s development. Some parents and experts argue that they are harmful and can lead to addiction, aggression, and social isolation. However, recent research has shown that video games can have many benefits for children, including improved cognitive skills, socialization, and emotional regulation.

One of the most significant benefits of video games is their impact on cognitive development. Video games require children to use problem-solving skills, spatial awareness, and critical thinking. These skills are essential for success in the modern world, where technology is becoming more prevalent in all aspects of life. Research has shown that children who play video games regularly have improved spatial awareness, attention span, and memory. Additionally, video games can help children develop perseverance and the ability to overcome challenges.

Another benefit of video games is their ability to promote socialization. Contrary to popular belief, video games can be a social activity. Many modern games require cooperation and teamwork, and children can play with friends and family online. This can help children develop social skills such as communication, teamwork, and empathy. Furthermore, video games can provide children with a sense of community, belonging, and achievement.

Finally, video games can be beneficial for emotional regulation. Many games have been developed to help children deal with emotions such as anxiety, depression, and anger. These games can teach children coping mechanisms, such as deep breathing, mindfulness, and meditation. Additionally, video games can provide a safe and immersive environment for children to explore their emotions and learn how to manage them effectively.

Of course, it is essential to note that video games should be used in moderation and with parental supervision. Parents should ensure that the games their children are playing are age-appropriate and do not contain violence or other harmful content. Additionally, parents should encourage their children to participate in other activities, such as outdoor play and socializing with friends.

In conclusion, video games can have many benefits for children’s cognitive, social, and emotional development. Video games can improve problem-solving skills, spatial awareness, and attention span. They can promote socialization, teamwork, and empathy. And they can provide children with a safe environment to explore and manage their emotions. As long as they are used responsibly, video games can be a valuable tool for parents to support their children’s growth and development.

Parenting in the Apocalypse

Parenting in the apocalypse is a challenging and often heartbreaking experience, as seen in popular media such as The Walking Dead and The Last of Us. These two post-apocalyptic stories explore the struggles of surviving in a world overrun by zombies and other dangers, and how parents must navigate the new rules and realities of this harsh world in order to protect their children.

In The Walking Dead, the protagonist Rick Grimes becomes a father figure to a group of survivors after the zombie outbreak devastates the world. He is responsible for the safety of his own son, Carl, as well as the other children in the group. Rick must teach them how to fight and defend themselves, but also how to keep their humanity and not succumb to the brutality of the new world. He must also make difficult decisions, such as whether to let someone into the group who may be a danger to the children, or whether to risk his own life to protect them.

Similarly, The Last of Us tells the story of a father figure, Joel, who must protect a young girl named Ellie as they navigate a world overrun by infected humans. Joel has lost his own daughter in the outbreak, and sees Ellie as a second chance at being a parent. He must teach her survival skills while also balancing the need to maintain her innocence and protect her from the harsh realities of their world. Along the way, they encounter other survivors who may be a threat to Ellie, and Joel must decide whether to trust them or not.

Both The Walking Dead and The Last of Us explore themes of sacrifice, loss, and the lengths parents will go to protect their children. In both stories, the children are often the ones who keep their parents going, giving them a reason to keep fighting and surviving. However, the weight of this responsibility can also be overwhelming, as seen in moments where Rick or Joel must make difficult decisions that put their children at risk.

Furthermore, these stories also examine the impact of trauma and loss on both parents and children. Rick and Carl must deal with the death of Rick’s wife and Carl’s mother, while Joel must come to terms with the loss of his own daughter. This trauma shapes their relationships with their children, and often informs their decisions and actions. It also raises questions about the ethics of bringing children into such a dangerous world, and whether it is ethical to expose them to such trauma and violence.

In conclusion, parenting in the apocalypse is a complex and difficult experience that is explored in popular media such as The Walking Dead and The Last of Us. These stories highlight the sacrifices and struggles that parents must face in order to protect their children in a world that has been turned upside down. Through themes of sacrifice, loss, trauma, and the importance of maintaining humanity in a brutal world, these stories offer a poignant reflection on what it means to be a parent in the midst of disaster.

Spider-Man and Self-Confidence

Spider-Man is a beloved superhero who has captured the hearts of generations of fans. He has inspired countless individuals with his heroic deeds, impressive abilities, and unwavering sense of justice. However, Spider-Man’s impact goes beyond just being a popular superhero. He has the potential to be a powerful tool for building self-confidence in children.

Self-confidence is a crucial element of personal growth and development. It is the belief in oneself and one’s abilities. A child who possesses self-confidence is more likely to take on challenges, set and achieve goals, and ultimately, lead a more fulfilling life. Unfortunately, many children struggle with self-confidence. They may doubt their abilities or feel insecure about their place in the world. This is where Spider-Man can come in.

Spider-Man’s origin story is relatable and inspiring. Peter Parker was just an ordinary teenager until he was bitten by a radioactive spider. He discovered that he had gained incredible powers and decided to use them for good. However, he faced many obstacles along the way, including personal tragedies and powerful enemies. Despite these challenges, he never gave up and always stayed true to his values.

This story can serve as a powerful example for children. It shows them that even the most unlikely heroes can accomplish great things if they believe in themselves and stay true to their values. Children can see themselves in Peter Parker’s struggles and triumphs, and draw inspiration from his journey.

Furthermore, Spider-Man’s abilities can also be a source of inspiration for children. He has superhuman strength, agility, and the ability to climb walls. Children who struggle with physical limitations or disabilities may find solace in Spider-Man’s example. They can see that even someone with incredible physical abilities still faces challenges, and that it is possible to overcome obstacles through hard work and determination.

Additionally, Spider-Man’s message of responsibility can teach children the importance of accountability. Peter Parker knows that with great power comes great responsibility, and he takes this lesson to heart. Children can learn that they have the power to make a difference in the world, but that they must also take responsibility for their actions and their impact on others.

In conclusion, Spider-Man has the potential to be a powerful figure for building self-confidence in children. His relatable origin story, impressive abilities, and message of responsibility can all serve as sources of inspiration and motivation. By using Spider-Man as a tool for building self-confidence, we can help children realize their potential and become the heroes of their own stories.

What Scream Gets Right and a Scream VI review

Since it’s release in 1996, Scream has been at the top of my list of best horror movies. I think the writers of Scream 5 say it best with Richie’s line about the Stab movies being “classic slasher who dunnit” films. And while the sequels couldn’t fully recreate the magic of the original, the writers always found a way to keep the viewers guessing on who the killer really was. But in my opinion, this isn’t what keeps the franchise at the top of my list.

The first thing that the Scream franchise does right is that they show the audience the inexperience of the killer(s). In each film the killer struggles to initially get their kill. Whenever the victims are face to face with Ghostface, they are usually able to put up a fight, even if just for a few minutes. It seems like the only kills that Ghostface doesn’t struggle to get are the surprise attacks. This gives the audience working theories that the killer is a peer of the victims and not some supernatural being who just wants to kill teens. In my opinion, this made the films seem more plausible than any other slasher film that came before.

Second, the writers idea to make the the films aware of themselves with Randy introducing the “rules to survive a horror movie”. Each film in the series would give the audience some kind of callback to Randy’s rules, and even gave us his rules for sequels after his death. Another win for me was the in universe film franchise based on the events of the first movie and finding a way to keep that franchise relevant throughout the sequels by making the killers obsessed with either the story behind the franchise or the films themselves. Scream 5 gave us something that felt even more real with the fan backlashes that we’ve seen develop on social media for other film franchises.

Another thing that the Scream franchise does right in my book has been the music. Music has the ability to make or break films and the Scream franchise has always delivered for me. There are songs from each film that give me goosebumps when I hear them, but the biggest one is always “Red Right Hand” by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds. Besides the “Various Artists” soundtracks, Marco Beltrami’s orchestral soundtracks have always added the right amount of suspense to keep the audience at the edge of their seats.

Now that we got that out of the way, let’s talk about Scream VI. The four survivors of the Woodsboro attacks (Samantha [Melissa Barrera], Tara [Jenna Ortega], Mindy [Jasmin Savoy Brown], and Chad [Mason Gooding]) have moved on from their small California town to the big apple, in hopes of escaping the horrors they experienced a year prior and a fresh start. However, their past has no intention of letting them go, no matter how hard they try.

Scream VI delivers more twists and turns than any other Scream film in the series. Scream VI doesn’t pull any punches with an ever growing suspect list and what seems to be a higher body count than past film. The audience is left questioning everything they know about Randy and Mindy’s survival rules.

Scream VI definitely has some callbacks to Scream 2, however it is not the almost carbon copy feel horror fans are used to from some reboot/requels. It feels like the gore dial was turned up a smidge for Scream VI so I would highly recommend second guessing that hot dog while watching the film.

Just as in Scream 5 we are treated to some legacy characters that play a big role in the happenings of New York’s Ghostface. This however leads to a question that should be on our minds, and that is if Scream VI is going to be the final film for the franchise. When you think back to the re-quel conversation in Scream 5, it’s mentioned that Sydney Prescott is in every Stab movie except for “the last one”. So with the fact that Sydney is absent in New York, could Scream VI be our last Ghostface encounter?

Scream VI has the longest runtime of all the films in the franchise at 2 hours and 3 minutes and is rated R by the MPAA for strong bloody violence, language, and brief drug use.

PS there is also a little Ferris Bueller-esque post credit scene.

We Can Come Back

The one thing that anyone who has any kind of interactions with me knows is that I struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder, sever anxiety, sever depression, and a few other disorders. I am currently unmedicated because the health care system in America is a joke, but also because I have a substance abuse problem on top of everything else that three years ago lead to me being hospitalized for an overdose, which also lead to me seeking help in the form of rehab at an inpatient mental health facility. I have been sober from pills and alcohol since January 1, 2020.

While I haven’t had any relapses with the substances I used to partake of, the roller coaster that is my mental health is definitely a different story. Let me explain. My treatment in rehab was not as successful as one would hope for rehab. I was back to my old ways within hours of leaving the facility. This lead to bad choices that ended up with me being arrested in November of 2019. When I was approached by the officers, I ended up going into a major panic attack. The officers thought I was faking and decided to draw their weapons, which increased my anxiety 100 fold. When they placed the handcuffs on me, they so tight that my hands turned blue and the metal dug into my skin so much that any kind of movement lead to the handcuffs cutting into my wrists. I was in those handcuffs for about 2 hours while I was being processed. After I was processed, I was lead to a different area than everyone else. When we stopped, the officer took my belt, my shoes and my socks and opened a cell door. They said that because of my mental health history, I had to be placed in a padded cell. I was in that cell for what felt like 10 hours with no food or water. The walls and floor were covered in dry blood, broken finger nails, bunches of hair, and other fluids. I was eventually moved into quarantine with other new inmates and from there, I learned that I would be locked up for two weeks. 

While I was going through processing, my phone died and I was unable to get any phone numbers from my family and friends to let them know where I was and that I was okay. So I went about a week with no contact with the outside world. I had no money, so I couldn’t get any commissary, I couldn’t send emails, and I couldn’t make any phone calls. I was lucky enough to have a  cellmate who thought that I didn’t belong in the system and helped me navigate life on the inside. Without him, I probably wouldn’t have made it through what was the worst time of my life. We would talk comic books, movies, and just anything else to keep my anxiety at bay. 

After I was released, I was tasked with putting my life back together and I can honestly tell you that I feel like it’s still not there. It feels like my mental health conditions, keep pushing me back anytime I feel like I’m making progress. Its like no matter how much distance I put between myself and my past, that my feet are not fast enough to keep me ahead of feeling like I deserved every bit of 2019. And here we are, three years later and I find myself thinking I’m stuck as the person who is sitting in a cell while life moves on without me. One of the hardest things about getting this feeling is that I know I have a support system of amazing friends and family who would be there for me if I let them, but I just fall into a space that is very reminiscent of some lyrics from the song “The Drug in Me is You”. The lyric I’m thinking of goes, “You’ve tried to reach me but you just can’t help me. So long, goodbye. You tried to save me it won’t work this time.”

By now, you’re probably thinking, “Is there a point to all of this?” I promise I’m getting there. This will all make sense within the next few paragraphs. 

Recently I’ve been rewatching The Walking Dead on Netflix. There is an episode in season 3 called “Clear”. In this episode, Rick, Carl, and Michonne run into Morgan in Rick and Carl’s hometown. It’s been awhile since Morgan saved Rick, and some things went down that left Morgan completely broken mentally. Thinking back to when the episode premiered, I remember feeling sorry for the position Morgan was in. I remember thinking that I couldn’t imagine being so lost, so broken, and so alone. Upon rewatching the episode, all these years later, I felt like I had so much in common with Morgan’s character. While Morgan was telling Rick what had happened in the time they were apart, I found myself making connections for this fictional character’s life to my life over the last few years. During their conversation, Morgan begs Rick to take his life, he calls himself selfish and weak and essentially says he deserves everything that’s happened to him over the last few years. After an amazing back and forth with Rick trying to persuade Morgan to go with him to the prison, he says, “…You’re not seeing things right. I don’t blame you, what you’ve lost, what you’ve been through. You’re not seeing things right, but you can come back from this. I know you can. You have to. This can’t be it.”

The last part of Rick’s statement, hit me like a ton of bricks. Mainly because I’ve been wondering for so long if there really is a way back for me. If not a way back, what is the way forward? After that thought initially entered my head, I started thinking about the people who have taken the role of Rick in my life. My family who from a distance have done so much to help me try to find a path forward, but also the friends I’ve made over the last few years who keep showing up, even when I try to distance myself. Without them, I would be as lost, broken and alone as Morgan.

For those of you who find yourself feeling like Morgan, just know that there is a Rick out there who is pulling for you to come back from the darkness. And they won’t take no for an answer. They will show up when you don’t feel like you deserve, because you do. As Morgan says later on in the series, “Every life is precious”. Don’t give up on yourself just yet. You have still have so much to do with whatever time you have left on this earth. We can come back.

I Tried

For the past three years I’ve been trying to pull a life together that has never quite felt like it was my own. It seemed like with every step I took forward, something was there to pull me back to the start. Like a big game of chutes and ladders.

I got a job, a promotion, and then had it all taken away. I had to restart and right as soon as I felt like I was getting back on my feet, I got hit with garnishments from bills that I thought were taken care of years prior. I was getting by with help from friends and family, but I felt like I was becoming a burden, so I stopped telling them I needed help, thinking I could find a way out of this if I wasn’t so goddamn exhausted everyday.

So here I sit, typing words out on my phone because the truth of the matter is that I am a failure. But not for the lack of trying. I am a failure who works harder than most people. And you know, I can deal with being a failure because deep down I’ve always known that is what I am. What is the hardest is realizing that my son, this amazing kid who has never made me feel like a failure is seeing who his father really is.

All I ever wanted was a chance, but the universe has decided that I don’t get that. Hopefully one of these non profit groups I reached out to will help me come up with $5k until I find a way to get back on my feet if not, I guess I will just have to start from a lower position than I’ve ever started before in my life.

To Whom it May Concern

My whole life I knew that I wanted to work with audio. It all started the first time I saw Star Wars. I wanted to know how each sound was made, recorded and added to the film. My love for audio grew when I sat down and listened to the radio dramas that were produced during the 30s and 40s. I found a radio station that played every episode of the classic Superman radio show Monday-Friday and would play Mercury Theater productions on the weekends. I wanted to tell stories just like them.

In high school, I was one of “those kids”. The kids who thought their band was just as good as their favorite bands. The kids who thought they had what it took to “make it”. My senior year, I joined a band with friends who already had the ground work for what we thought was going to be out ticket out. Since I was going to be a rock star, I stopped caring about school. Later that year, we recorded our album and planned a small tour. Things were looking great for a group of 18-20 year olds from northeastern Colorado. The band fizzled out and I fell in love with the most amazing person. While having a conversation with said person, I decided that while I loved being in a band, I loved the process of recording even more.

We married (really young) and left our small town in Colorado for the bright lights of Provo Utah. My (then) partner was going to school to live out her dream of becoming an amazing graphic designer and I was going to live my dream of being an audio engineer. After she graduated from college, we were blessed with the joy of parenthood. My then wife was working full time as a junior designer and I was going to school full time and working part time. After the birth of our son, we had to make a decision. Either she would quit her dream career and become an at-home mom while I work multiple jobs to secure a future for us, or I drop out of school and quit my job to become an at-home dad. The only fair thing to me seemed to mean putting my dreams on hold.

I was an at-home dad for 6 1/2 years, but the passion for working in audio never died. I found ways to work in audio by editing podcasts and by teaching people how to start their own podcasts. I scratched the creative itch by writing a blog and making cosplays for our growing son. This all eventually lead to having my own podcast that I produced for three years. Everything seemed to be “coming up Milhouse” until the day my then wife told me that she wanted out. I’ve been spiraling ever since then. I lost the will to create, the will to follow my dream. I didn’t see a way out, until a friend reached out and asked if I was willing to hop back into podcast editing. He gave me a contact and got felt the creative bug again. Since then, I’ve picked up another show that I am editing and have dusted off old recordings to work on my “audio cleaning” skills.

I know that I am probably not your first choice (and if I’m really being honest, I’m probably not even your last choice either), but all I’m looking for is a chance. A chance to prove to myself that these last few years have not been leading to the end of a story, but to the end of an act. Lastly, the one thing I can offer you that nobody else can is that I cannot afford to do any less than my best for your organization and for the potential stories we will tell.

Sincerely yours,

James Estrada

On Your Left

In the last week, I have watched Avengers: Endgame over 10 times. Every viewing had me thinking about how many sequences could be tied to Mental Health. In Steve Rogers’ support group, 5 years after the snap, you see that people are still struggling with the aftereffects of Thanos’ actions. We see Thor as a demigod who is utterly dejected because he was not able to stop Thanos. Hawkeye essentially gives in to his darkness and becomes a vigilante assassin, and we, as the audience, see him struggle with this later when he and Natasha are retrieving the soul stone from Vormir. While I feel like there could be in depth pieces about all these moments, I am not the one to write about those.

The sequence I want to write about starts at about 2 hours and 12 minutes into Endgame. If you are not familiar, this is the sequence when Captain America, Thor and Iron Man are fighting Thanos in “the trench”. In my recent viewings, I saw myself as Captain America, I saw Iron Man and Thor as my medication and therapy, and finally I saw Thanos as an embodiment of my anxiety and depression.

Throughout this fight, the heroes are having a tough time with Thanos. Cap, Thor, and Iron Man were fighting as a team, but nothing would keep Thanos down.  While watching this scene, I realized that like Thanos, my depression and anxiety seemed to adapt to whatever treatment I was receiving. No matter the combination, it felt like my depression and anxiety were deflecting my treatments, much like Thanos deflected Iron Man’s repulsor blast that was aided by Thor’s lightning.

After a while, I had more time in between sessions with my therapist and it felt like I was taking on my depression/anxiety with only one of my supports. In Endgame, immediately after Iron Man’s attack, Thanos threw Iron Man to the side leaving only Captain America and Thor in the fight. Thanos brushes off an attack from Captain America and starts to take out Thor with ease. Just as all seems lost, Captain America rejoins the fight with Mjolnir in hand. With this scene, I was looking at Mjolnir as some of the coping skills that I received from therapy sessions. It was like I was fighting my depression/anxiety with a second wind, but like in the movie, it did not last long.

After Captain America got in enough hits to break Thanos’ helmet, Thanos comes back stronger than ever. Thanos removes Mjolnir from Cap’s hand and starts breaking down his last line of defense, something that is essentially a part of him, his shield. For me, thinking about this scene in this context of my mental health issues really hit a chord. There have been so many times in my life when I felt like I was on the right path. I was doing everything right, but in the end, it felt like it was all for naught. Like Cap’s shield, I felt like a part of me was broken and was still being pummeled by my anxiety and depression. But even when it felt like my anxiety and depression were winning the fight, a small part of me felt like I had to get up and fight, even if it was without my medication or therapy. Sometimes it ended up okay, other times not so much.

At this point in the sequence, Cap is getting up for what looks to be his “last stand” against Thanos. If you look closely, after Cap is back on his feet, you will notice that there is a gash on Cap’s left arm and he is using the strap on his shield as a tourniquet so he can keep fighting. As Thanos’ army approaches, Cap (broken and beaten) walks toward them to fight what seems to be his last fight alone. I do not know about you, but I can think of many times where I have felt like I was walking into my own “darkness” alone and “ready” for whatever was going to happen. But like Cap, we are not alone.

As Cap is walking toward Thanos’ Army, he hears a familiar voice. The voice of a friend he as not heard from in five years. And that voice tells him a phrase that gets me every single time I hear it, “On your left”. Cap looks to his left and sees people he did not expect to see coming out of magic portals, ready to fight by his side. For me, this scene fills me with so many emotions because when I was at my absolute lowest it was friends that I did not expect who came out of those portals, ready to fight beside me. I will be forever grateful to those friends and will never be able to repay them in this life or the next.

With his support system through the portals, Cap gives the signal, “Avengers Assemble” and the battle begins. Much like in my own life, the battle rages on and does not stop just because I have my support system, coping skills, and medications. This will be a battle that I will have to fight for the rest of my life, but after changing how I view Endgame, I have found it a little easier for me to remember all of those who are on my left, ready to fight.

 

***Disclosure: I am not qualified to talk about any mental health issues other than my own. If you are experiencing anxiety and depression, please seek help. If you need someone to talk to right now, please contact the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255***

Suffering In Silence

***TW: This post will talk about addiction, self harm, and other things that be hard to read. If you feel like you are at risk and need to talk to someone, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255***

 

The last almost 2 years have been the hardest years of my life. 2018 started off normal enough, but by the end of March everything seemed to turn upside down. First, my grandmother passed away while my ex, J and I were 800 miles away. She was my last living grandparent and I wasn’t there to tell her goodbye. I blamed myself for things that I would have had no control over even if I was around, just like I did when my other grandparents passed.

Two months later, I woke up to the news that a friend of mine took his own life. That day ended with my then wife telling me that she wanted to do a trial separation. My mind started clouding over and it felt like I could feel my heart stop beating. She stayed for a few more days which lead me to believe that she might have changed her mind. After she left, I felt like my world was collapsing around me. I had J with me for a bit while she got situated at a friend’s house, and on the weeks J was with her I started drinking to the point that I stopped feeling, and I would just sit on the couch, in the house that we turned into our home, in utter silence.

I stopped hanging out with friends, I stopped writing, I stopped creating, I stopped living. My mental health felt like it kept deteriorating whenever I was alone. I started pushing away anyone who had any kind of friendship with my ex because anytime I saw them, I would only see the memories we made together. I treated them like shit because it was the only way that I thought I could get them to leave, then I would blame them for not being around.

The drinking kept getting worse throughout the year, but only on the weeks I didn’t have J with me. I never drank when he was in the home. There was some point at the beginning of 2019 that I told myself I needed to stop and find a way to move on with my life. I was living a sober lifestyle for a few months, but it didn’t feel like anything was getting better. My personal life felt like it was in the drain. All I did was wake up, go to work, come home, take Pepper and Toni for a walk, go back home and sleep. I stopped eating, started having 3-10 panic attacks per day, stopped sleeping, and started posting sad songs in my Instagram stories. It got so bad that the police were being sent to my house on what seemed like a weekly basis to do wellness checks.

After the wellness checks started, I started experimenting with self-harm. It was never meant to be anything more than trying to feel something else besides sadness. I tried the “fake it till you make it” philosophy, but that only made things worse. I was going to therapy every week, but it seemed to only help for a few hours. Nothing was getting rid of the feelings the way that alcohol did. Since it wasn’t doing anything, I stopped experimenting with self-harm and tried getting back into things that would help me be the person I was before all depression and anxiety took over my life.

I started talking with a friend, and we started talking about meeting up to get lunch and talk about how we were doing. Almost anytime we would run into each other, one of us would say, “we need to get that lunch.” Every day was a roller coaster, but it never seemed as bad as it was before. It felt like things could finally start getting on track, but that came to a harsh and sudden end. One evening, I was cleaning my house and I found a random bottle of pills along with 2 full bottles of alcohol. I took all three items out to the porch and sat there with one thought. As that thought festered, I started thinking of the friend and the lunch we were planning. I thought about messaging that friend and telling them what was going on, but I felt ashamed, so I turned off my phone. I put the bottles in the cupboard and put the pills in the medicine cabinet. The next day, I was at work when I got a call that the friend I was thinking about messaging the night before had passed away.  After I hung up the phone, I sat down in my office chair and just shut down.

About a month after my friend’s funeral, I started drinking heavily. Everything felt numb and I didn’t see any kind of light at the end of the tunnel. One night I just felt like there was never going to be any kind of release from the sadness that I had been feeling for over a year, so I grabbed the bottles of alcohol from the cupboard and started drinking. When I got close to finishing the first bottle, I grabbed the pills from the medicine cabinet and took the whole bottle. The next thing I recall was being put in a van and driven to the hospital where I was told not only did I take the pills, but I drank both bottles of alcohol from the cupboard.

I convinced the doctor in the ER that what happened was not a suicide attempt, but that it was just an accident and I was released before sunrise. The thing is, and I have never really said this to anyone, that it was a suicide attempt. I was so ashamed of it because I love my kid more than anyone will ever know and I am a great father, but at that moment my brain was so focused on the pain and sadness that it was all I could see. After the ER visit, I checked myself into a mental health facility where I spent 10 days going to group therapy, going to solo therapy and a few other things.

2019 did not end on a high note for me personally, and 2020 didn’t start out like I planned, but I am still fighting every single day. Does this mean I will live a long life? I have no idea. What it does mean is that I will try day in and day out to be something better than I was before. I’m not writing this to get sympathy, nor am I writing this to get a pat on the back. I am writing this because I feel like I have too. So many people still seem to think that talking about our mental health is a sign of weakness, but we need to change that.

We as parents need to show our children that it’s okay to talk about our mental health. Our kids are following our examples of holding everything in until it is too late. There is an epidemic and we need to do everything we can to stop it. Again, if you are feeling like you are at risk please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255.

Kiddo – A Poem

Without you by my side I’m lost

I guess I didn’t understand the cost

That all of my recent mistakes would take

Now I’m just hoping that it’s not too late.

 

Almost fifteen days without hearing your voice

Has been long enough for me to make the choice

That I should have made a long time ago

To let all of the hurt and those bad feelings go.

 

It’s time for me to put in the work

It’s time for me to stop being a jerk

I never want to know what it’s like

To not have you standing right by my side.

 

I’m sorry for those mistakes I made

That ended up taking me away

I promise that it won’t happen again

Because it’s not how I want our story to end

 

I love you kiddo, don’t ever forget

You’re the bravest kid that I’ve ever met

My heart is so full whenever you are around

I am so sorry for letting you down

I’m done with the heartache and being so sad

I just want to go back to being your dad.