A Letter to J

To the light of my life and the most important person I will ever know,

Life has been hard for me over this last year. With all the positives in my work, there have been so many more negatives. When your mom said she needed space and time to think about some things, I told myself that I could do this. That I could pull myself up and be the best dad in the world. Not by buying you new toys or games, but by doing what we’ve been doing for the last 6 years. I thought that I would keep up on making you the most amazing costumes I could and that we would make so many amazing YouTube videos. I thought that I would be able to help you become the Twitch streamer you wanted to be. As time went by, I felt everything slipping out of my fingers. I found myself having panic attacks while I was making costumes, writing scripts, planning a streaming schedule. Those panic attacks only got worse when I would try doing those things on the weeks you weren’t with me.

I have never thought of myself as the perfect dad, and to be honest I have never actually thought of myself as a good dad. I have always thought of myself as an okay dad. Everything I did, I felt like I was trying to prove to myself that I was a good dad. My heart breaks more every time I think about it, because in my mind you will always deserve a better dad than I can ever be. You are such an amazing kid with such a big heart. You stand up for what you believe in and you stand up for your friends. I would like to think that I had something to do with that, but I think that is just who you are. You are a real-life superhero and you are only 8 years old. You will never know how many lives you have truly touched from your friends, their parents, your family, people you’ve met at conventions, celebrities, and thousands of people on the internet.

You are the best of what this world has to offer and I just wish that I could be on your level. Don’t let this world change that pure heart that you have. Don’t become jaded and cynical like me. Be better and show this world how much of a superhero you really are.

I Love you 3000,

Daddy