We Can Come Back

The one thing that anyone who has any kind of interactions with me knows is that I struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder, sever anxiety, sever depression, and a few other disorders. I am currently unmedicated because the health care system in America is a joke, but also because I have a substance abuse problem on top of everything else that three years ago lead to me being hospitalized for an overdose, which also lead to me seeking help in the form of rehab at an inpatient mental health facility. I have been sober from pills and alcohol since January 1, 2020.

While I haven’t had any relapses with the substances I used to partake of, the roller coaster that is my mental health is definitely a different story. Let me explain. My treatment in rehab was not as successful as one would hope for rehab. I was back to my old ways within hours of leaving the facility. This lead to bad choices that ended up with me being arrested in November of 2019. When I was approached by the officers, I ended up going into a major panic attack. The officers thought I was faking and decided to draw their weapons, which increased my anxiety 100 fold. When they placed the handcuffs on me, they so tight that my hands turned blue and the metal dug into my skin so much that any kind of movement lead to the handcuffs cutting into my wrists. I was in those handcuffs for about 2 hours while I was being processed. After I was processed, I was lead to a different area than everyone else. When we stopped, the officer took my belt, my shoes and my socks and opened a cell door. They said that because of my mental health history, I had to be placed in a padded cell. I was in that cell for what felt like 10 hours with no food or water. The walls and floor were covered in dry blood, broken finger nails, bunches of hair, and other fluids. I was eventually moved into quarantine with other new inmates and from there, I learned that I would be locked up for two weeks. 

While I was going through processing, my phone died and I was unable to get any phone numbers from my family and friends to let them know where I was and that I was okay. So I went about a week with no contact with the outside world. I had no money, so I couldn’t get any commissary, I couldn’t send emails, and I couldn’t make any phone calls. I was lucky enough to have a  cellmate who thought that I didn’t belong in the system and helped me navigate life on the inside. Without him, I probably wouldn’t have made it through what was the worst time of my life. We would talk comic books, movies, and just anything else to keep my anxiety at bay. 

After I was released, I was tasked with putting my life back together and I can honestly tell you that I feel like it’s still not there. It feels like my mental health conditions, keep pushing me back anytime I feel like I’m making progress. Its like no matter how much distance I put between myself and my past, that my feet are not fast enough to keep me ahead of feeling like I deserved every bit of 2019. And here we are, three years later and I find myself thinking I’m stuck as the person who is sitting in a cell while life moves on without me. One of the hardest things about getting this feeling is that I know I have a support system of amazing friends and family who would be there for me if I let them, but I just fall into a space that is very reminiscent of some lyrics from the song “The Drug in Me is You”. The lyric I’m thinking of goes, “You’ve tried to reach me but you just can’t help me. So long, goodbye. You tried to save me it won’t work this time.”

By now, you’re probably thinking, “Is there a point to all of this?” I promise I’m getting there. This will all make sense within the next few paragraphs. 

Recently I’ve been rewatching The Walking Dead on Netflix. There is an episode in season 3 called “Clear”. In this episode, Rick, Carl, and Michonne run into Morgan in Rick and Carl’s hometown. It’s been awhile since Morgan saved Rick, and some things went down that left Morgan completely broken mentally. Thinking back to when the episode premiered, I remember feeling sorry for the position Morgan was in. I remember thinking that I couldn’t imagine being so lost, so broken, and so alone. Upon rewatching the episode, all these years later, I felt like I had so much in common with Morgan’s character. While Morgan was telling Rick what had happened in the time they were apart, I found myself making connections for this fictional character’s life to my life over the last few years. During their conversation, Morgan begs Rick to take his life, he calls himself selfish and weak and essentially says he deserves everything that’s happened to him over the last few years. After an amazing back and forth with Rick trying to persuade Morgan to go with him to the prison, he says, “…You’re not seeing things right. I don’t blame you, what you’ve lost, what you’ve been through. You’re not seeing things right, but you can come back from this. I know you can. You have to. This can’t be it.”

The last part of Rick’s statement, hit me like a ton of bricks. Mainly because I’ve been wondering for so long if there really is a way back for me. If not a way back, what is the way forward? After that thought initially entered my head, I started thinking about the people who have taken the role of Rick in my life. My family who from a distance have done so much to help me try to find a path forward, but also the friends I’ve made over the last few years who keep showing up, even when I try to distance myself. Without them, I would be as lost, broken and alone as Morgan.

For those of you who find yourself feeling like Morgan, just know that there is a Rick out there who is pulling for you to come back from the darkness. And they won’t take no for an answer. They will show up when you don’t feel like you deserve, because you do. As Morgan says later on in the series, “Every life is precious”. Don’t give up on yourself just yet. You have still have so much to do with whatever time you have left on this earth. We can come back.